Vanuatu

Vanuatu: a volcanic island republic in Melanesia.

Just when you feel as though you are caught in the ocean, where wave after wave are crashing over you, something happens that gives you the strength to pull away from the rip.
Those waves are still crashing over your head, but you’re given the incentive to strive and achieve.

I’ve just realised how lucky I have it. I’ve had the chance to receive an education that, in some countries, could only be dreamed of.
Where in countries children dream of learning to read and write. It honestly just makes me think about how some of my dreams are much more materialistic.
Year 12 is a year of changes, the most important year in my entire thirteen years of schooling.

Two brilliant things made my day today. Two things that I will not take for granted.

1) I went for a Job Interview this afternoon after I visited the Bank. It’s at some new cafe down the street that I never knew existed. It opens up in a week or so. She’s fully staffed at the moment but the manager said you never know how long that’ll last. So after chatting with her for about fifteen minutes, I left her with my details. I’m so excited. I’ve actually been meaning to see my Careers Counsellor about compliling together a resume and finding a job in my local area. I’m sick of being a burden to my father.

2) After the last week of many of the year talking about Schoolies, and worrying about where I may find myself during that week, I think I am pretty sure where I am headed. My Nan actually told me that I was not allowed to head off to the Gold Coast before of all the news she hears on TV around that time, and I also cannot go because I will not be legal to drink yet. Thus I cannot party it up with friends in the clubs, pubs and bars. I’ve been hearing talk about Vanuatu where a few people from my year are going, including a couple close friends. Today I was invited to join them and I might just do that.

I finally get what people have been saying about how they are hyped up and cannot wait for the end of the year to be over.
I’ve never been on a plane before, never been overseas. I do not even have a passport (I must get me one of them).
I’m just excited to have something to look forward to after the HSC, something to keep me motivated, and keep my head above the water.

I need a job so that I can accumulate a few hundred dollars spending money. My dad Grandpa are talking about splitting the cost equally between them as a ‘Year 12 Graduation’ present for me.
It is not definite yet, but I talked it over with them tonight, and I will again tomorrow night after I receive more details.
The fixed cost is at $1400 for a Standard Package which includes Return Flights from Sydney Airport on the 27th November, 7 nights accommodation with free daily breakfast, and free access to the Resort’s pool, bar and DJ, and we will be returning on the 4th of December. 6 days before my eighteenth birthday. I plan to do some shopping while I am over there.

Apparently the legal drinking age over there is sixteen, they do not do I.D. checks. It’s at some Official Schoolies Resort for 16 to 18 year olds.
I may just explode of happiness.
But then again, I may explode of unhappiness if I am not able to go. $200 deposit is due by around Friday. I have no clue when the other $1200 is due, but it is not all needed in the immediate future.

Just realised how the quality of my blog has declined throughout its entire 700 word length.
Too bad.
I’m extremely happy and that is all that matters.
Off to bed for me :)

Sister

Sister: A female person who has the same parents as another person.

I don’t really know what to rant about in my blog today. Actually, I do have some things but I’d rather not say to the world; things I unhealthily keep bottled up inside my muddled up mind.
Lately I’ve been forced into a negative environment and I don’t know if I can handle it anymore.
It hurts to be called the things I’ve been called by my sister the past couple of days. It’s like she cannot bear to see me happy, that I don’t deserve happiness.

I’m a poor excuse for a teenager.
A poor excuse for a 17 year old.
A poor excuse for a Year 12er.
A poor excuse for a sister.
A poor excuse for a girl.

Having her say these things to me, as well as others, day after day eventually does drill into my head.
My friends would say otherwise, but I don’t know? I’m constantly around her and I cannot escape.
She doesn’t see what she’s doing to me. She knows it’s hurting me though. It’s unbelievable how much I let it get to me.
She’s family. I feel as though I cannot do anything because no one listens to me. No one can control her. I know I’m meant to love her, and I do. I just wish she never moved back down here again almost a month ago.

One minute she is calling me fat and ugly, the next she’s trying to laugh with me.
I don’t feel like laughing.
She’s loud, she’s obnoxious, she’s controlling, she’s a cake face, she’s just pathetic in a way.
But still she gets to me and I cannot block her out.
Okay, I’m at a loss for where to continue in this blog so I guess I may just leave it. I’m in the process of writing my close friends letters which I will hand to them in one go.
Off to write.

Anita.

Memory

Memory: the power of retaining and recalling past experience.

Sitting here in free period, on a single table, with ten minutes to go until recess, I look around me.
I take notice in the small things that have changed in the Resource Centre since I arrived here as a small, insignificant Year 7er.

The banners that parade themselves around the upper wall were not there. However the layout of the building has not changed. The tables still in the same position, the shelves of books still separating the computers from the tables.

I remember walking through the entrance of the school next to the canteen on my first day at high school. Being considered the smaller fish of the school, after a year of being the biggest in the pond. That was a massive change.
The conversation I had with a close friend since preschool, Elizabeth, and her mother in the car as she drove us to the school for our first day, is still fresh in my mind.
We speculated what High School would be like. If we would get lost. How big the Year 12ers would be. Would they eat us? What if we fail ‘big kid’ math? How do you read a timetable? Will we have any classes together?

Walking into the entrance, we saw the new Year 7ers huddling around the Resource Centre area including the grass and near the canteen. Still in primary school groups.

I’m not extremely good at remembering the earlier years of my life, and the exact order of events way back when.
But I remember 2005 quite clearly.

I did get lost. I had no idea where A1 was for art. I could find A2, but not A1. I had no classes with Lizzie or practically any other of my classmates from St. Marys. I was lost and too intimdated to ask for help. Eventually I asked Lizzie, and she showed me. At least I had the common sense to ask someone before I went wandering.

The school was so big compared to my primary school, having multiple ways to get to different classrooms. Via the senior courtyard, or in the alley way behind the computer rooms, or down by the Front Office back entrance. These were the options to get to the Wood Tech rooms.

I remember Nimble Place, before it was Nimble Place. My first ever PE lesson was on those logs, running back and forth. A big open wide space of dirt was where trees, green grass and the stage now stand.

I hope these memories stay with me. It is interesting to look back and view my younger perspective. The hallways so frightening, the heavy weight of my school bag.
Those are all old for me. They do not faze me anymore.

I walk hurriedly through the hallways, knowing where to go, how to read a timetable, how to manoeuvre through the throng of other students usually going the opposite direction. I know the shortcuts, how long it takes to get to class, which teachers come late, which are there practically on the bell. The weight of my school bag hardly bothering me.

You get into a routine, a habit. Things become second nature to you. I would always have to think about where the science blocks were. Now I just grab my bag and folder and walk to S3 for Biology. Not having a second glance at that trusted map in my diary I used to always have on hand.

After almost six years of high school, you know the ropes, you know the ins and outs. I feel powerful being at the top of the food chain again. But I still remember that it was not so long ago I was at the bottom, a small fry fish. Not important enough to be caught up in the net of homework, weighing me down with other fish.
As the years go on, I grew bigger. Beginning to attract attention of the homework net. I was ready to be caught and eaten by maths.

Year 9 was another turning point. Getting the freedom to choose two electives, actually having a say in what classes you want to do. Granted it was only two, it was freedom nonetheless.

I remember. Just as simply as that.
My first day, first camping trip a month into high school, the last day of Year 7, choosing electives in Year 9, Year 9 camp to Waterslea where I abseiled and canoed, Year 10 School Certificate, Formal, choosing subjects for Year 11 and 12, facing senior years, the senior retreat, and now the impending HSC.

The tasks grew more demanding, life became more complicated. I’m beginning to pinpoint where and when this occurred. Actually it’s taking me for a trip down memory lane.
It’s been quite a while since I have thought back to my younger years.
It amazes me how time has passed. Almost 13 years of schooling, 6 of high school.

The end of the path is just up ahead. I just hope that I can make it. I will try my best.
Two terms left of High School forever. And then it will be over.

But I will always have the memories to look back on.

Smile

Smile: a facial expression characterised by turning up the corners of the mouth.

I’m happy today and I don’t know the entire reason why. I guess it’s because I’ve just been floating around the past couple of days indoors, taking my time doing things, watching DVDs and just releasing my mind from everything.
This blog will just be about unimportant things. I suppose it’s better than my previous blogs telling the world how pitiful my life is.
Accomplishing smaller tasks helps me feel accomplished?

Actually, I’m glad that I’m spending these days in the house.
Perhaps I should go out and find a job. Perhaps I’ll think more about that over the next couple of days.
My day has been exceptionally decent.

Got a haircut in the morning (: 5cm off and soft layers.
On my way into town this morning, I walked past several small children, playing. Two were running each other around. One chasing the other for a bag of home brand lollies.

Life was simple back then.

No internet and Facebook. No complex issues. No major care in the world besides who gets the swing or who’s IT in tag.
I wonder what age I decided that the street wasn’t good enough to play in and started spending my time indoors reading more, watching DVDs and on the computer.
I remember being outside when I was 11 and 12. When I hit high school I started to slowly spend more time indoors.

Perhaps I decided the streets, tar roads and green grass, weren’t good enough for me. Like I was above it all?
I’m not.

-

Anyway. I love getting haircuts.
Perhaps I may dye it again. I still have a packet left over from just before summer ended.
Time to spend the next couple of hours writing down every thought in my brain onto paper or in a word document.
Doubt that would make them go away, but for now I’ve decided to take a stand against them. To own up, and man up, to life.
That probably sounds lame.

Cleaning my computer desk, I found my scrapbook that I started at the very end of last year and decided to make it up to date by filling in five pages since New Years Eve. I had to dig around and find the bits and pieces I had saved since UOW Discovery Day, Soundwave, the farewell party we held for a friend at the end of the summer and the recent Sydney trip, oh and a friend’s 18th.
Flipping through the book made me remember those times, and the memories that went with them, shared with close friends; those who I love.
I hope to continue to create memories like the ones I have experienced so far this year.

I’ve been catching up on much needed sleep the past couple of nights. Sleeping for at least nine hours each night.
I feel freer.

I shouldn’t let those couple of issues that have been haunting me for over a year keep winning. In time those issues will fade as a scar does.
I love those around me, I depend on those around me.
I went to the Bank today to deposit some money into my account. If I owe you money, come collect it as I’ve put it aside.

I will leave you all now as I depart to go and dance to Justin Beiber, 3OH!3 and Calvin Harris among others on my playlist.
Today I promised my Nan that I would clean the bathroom sink and bath, do the dishes and perhaps I’ll even go one step further and clean out the cupboard next to the fridge that contains all my childhood books that I could give away to Vinnies.
Hope this happiness is here to stay.

Interesting Fact: Someone keeps ringing the house phone and then hanging up after five seconds. Three times in the last fifteen hours.

This blog is sporadic and meaningless, jumping from place to place as I ramble on.

Anita (:

Sorry

Sorry: feeling or expressing egret or sorrow.

Alright, I've decided (with the help of someone) that I should be positive. Screw the whole 'glass half empty' perspective.
I guess I'm selish at times, I can take things for granted, I should stop.
I'm going to take it one day at a time.
Busy myself and make the most of this time alone.
I don't know to be honest.
When I put my mind towards something, I accomplish it faster.

You may have noticed that I deleted a post I wrote earlier today. I read over it and found it immature and pathetic.

I overreact alot with issues in my life. I had a similar thing happen to me just over a month ago, and I stupidly assumed that this sitation would follow the same, destructive path.
That incident a month ago hurt me, only know is it just beginning to heal.
After havin a few hours to think about it. This situation is different.
I do believe you gave me your honest opinion instead of ignoring me. And I'm so sorry I acted immature.
I see how ridiculous I was and didn't take into account your side.
I'm sorry that I sensationalised the situation, when all you were trying to do was tell me what I have been doing wrong, so that we can still maintain a strong relationship.

I just want you to know that I'm taking these few days to think about who I am, and how I can change so this can never happen again, and so I can give you much needed space away from me as you decide and recover from how I have reacted these past few days.
I just want you to also know that the way I have been acting these past few days is not how I am truly.
You've known me long enough to realise that that wasn't entirely me.

I love you all with my heart and hope that, even with how I reacted last night, you can still forgive me.
I hope I have not hurt your feelings, I truly hope I haven't
Please believe me when I say that.

I never wish to lose you and I'm also sorry that I have made your stay here this week probably less enjoyable.

I know I'll miss your limited time down here with us, and I'm sorry that I probably will not see you before you leave.

Great Expectations

I do realise this is my second post in under two hours, but things come up unexpectedly that I wish to blog about.

I honestly had great expectations for these holidays, to let loose and enjoy the time I have with friends while I still can.
Yet I think I will spend the rest of the holidays alone, alienated from friends.

I have not been myself lately. I wrote in an earlier blog that I'm like a volcano about to errupt.
My impending erruption has caused myself to become a different person at times.
And now that persona is coming back and hurting me even more.
I hold so much hurt that no one knows about.
I cannot win, my life is spiralling out of control.
I try to hold on to what little happiness I have.
The supply is running out.
My holidays are ruined.
You know the saying; one door closes another opens?
When that door does open, two more close.
I lose everything that means alot to me.
I don't deserve any happiness.
I wish I had time to do things differently.

Left Outside Alone

Have you ever been the only one who isn't in on something? Who's left out of something like a group event, a secret, and even the entire friendship altogether?
Have you been the person that invites themselves and tags along?
At these times, do you wonder if you are thought about? Been considered?

That one person is me.

I'm broken, alone, and sometimes forgotten, left outside alone unless I make the effort to walk inside, to make the effort to be enveloped in the warmth with everyone else.

Screw that effort of mine.
Screw that time I have wasted.
I don't prefer to sit at home alone all day, lazng in bed. But I have to unless I make plans.

I'm sorry but at the moment I feel as though some friends do not make an effort.
At the moment I feel as though I'm the only one who isn't in on anything.

And it hurts.

Give Up

Fuck it. I honestly do not think I can handle much more.
Every thing I do gets me in trouble or ignored. I can't do anything right.
Give me a break!
I'm sick of making the effort all the time, and receive nothing in return.
By that I don't mean the selfish 'i demand something in return' way.
Whatever.

You'll live longer if you're happy

I don't know I'd I've ever met anyone who is truly happy, at least most if the time. Is it even possible?
I've heard stories where people recover from terrible illnesses and complex surgeries, based on their optimism and desire to become better.
What would I do? Think positively or negatively?
The way I've been lately, I would say negatively.
Why am I thinking like this?

I have everything I need. Not exactly everything I want, but who does?
I really have to stop complaining about insignificant issues.
Okay, I'm trying to push aside my thoughts, but they're sneaky, coniving
threads of annoyance.


On the other hand, my holidays are beginning to pick up the pace and create memories.
Heading up to Sydney tomorrow to see Brooke and Sharni :) and attend Sharni's 18th :)

I'm sheltered, i've only been to Sydney once recreationally and I'm keen to create memories.
I need to open my eyes to the vibrant colours the world has to offer. I only see the world through dull, paled colours.

I know my flaws, my faults. What I don't know are my strengths.
I still do not know what they are.

I struggle to know who I am.

Who am I? What are my strengths?

New Beginnings

I just realised that among my numerous depressing blogs I never revealed any of the highlights so I've decided to do that now.
They say time heals wounds, and usually I wouldn't believe in that saying but I guess it could hold some respect.

I gave you space, when we were both in pain, and lately it seems as though you have become more polite, friendly.
You never know what you had until you lost it. I lost you, and now I will take anything you give me, and not ask for more.
Thank you for being polite and more friendly. It honestly helps me and let's me see the silver lining.

I'm grateful for what I have, tho at times I am jealous and selfish.
I'm jealous of those around me, and other times I wish I had more than I did.
But as I am left alone after my fit of rage and jealously, I think about what I have just done, said or thought.

As you have probably noticed, I have, yet again, changed the title of my blog to an oxymoron.
I've never been satisified with the name until last night.

Exams were a week and a bit ago, and now that they are over, I must be social again. I do not wish to be alone lately because all I do is think... And watch Skins :)

Actually, screw this post, I'm going to go watch Skins.

Confused

I realise it has been almost two weeks since I have blogged and a lot of things have happened; good and bad.
I have these thoughts in my mind that have been escalating for months and are slowly coming to the surface like that of a volcano.
Everybody thinks it may be dormant, but sometimes it is just inactive.
I'm that volcano.
Nobody pays that close of attention to me, granted I hide my true feelings well, at least I try to.
You think I'm dormant, never to errupt, but as the days go by, I'm coming closer to bursting, letting hot, raw emotions fly in all directions.
I know these thoughts are probably unncessary, pathetic and false but I cannot shake them.
I haven't really told anybody these feelings.
Never found the appropriate time, place, friend or even level of alcohol consumption.
I realise I have amazing friends to turn to, but I feel intimdated to ask anyone if they can have a deep chat with me.
I'm one of those people who truly listen, but don't seem to have an intensely strong bond with someone whom they share everything with .
I need to open up willingly before time runs out and I crack.
Everything is building up, my thoughts, the issue with a friend a month ago, exams, assignments etc.
I want to ask someone to listen for a couple hours someplace quiet.
Please let me open up.
I'm so confused. I try to mask my thoughts behind other, more happier and lighter ones. But that doesn't do the trick for long.

I remember I began to tell the two people I fully trusted my thoughts.
One never replied back and the other did but not deep enough.

I know that in time my thoughts will change, but I don't see that in the near future.

Just ... please?