When forced to spend time alone with no one but your cat as comfort, you are stuck inside your head, forced to think unless you talk to yourself out loud or the aforementioned cat.
The past day and a half I have found myself in solitude as soon as I step through the front door each time.
I enter my own personal bubble, studying sleeping and facebooking.
But tonight I felt different.
I do not like cooking for only myself, thus my dinner was a sandwich tonight :)
I rather cook for others, to please others.
That's all I seem to do sometimes; please others.
Cooking, in my perspective, is a creative way to please someone. I need another
word for please my vocabulary is terrible.
My mind comes up with some of the most spontaneous thoughts that they are still
known to surprise even me.
Will I be living on my own one day? Or will it be with friends or eventually a family?
No doubt there will be one time in my life where I will live alone,
possibly with a cat. Who knows.
The past two days I hav gotten a taste of that aloneness (love my vocab?)
and of course the thoughts of living alone brought me to the future and of what I will do after high school.
So I have spend the last half an hour on the UOW website after they sent me a letter in the mail.
I have no idea. This is quite the tough decision.
I know that I would like to defer for a year or so before I enter the tertiary schooling system to become
a teacher.
I'm afraid of the future.
Will I be able to afford uni even? Which is probably why I'm defering, to save money and relax from 13
consecutive years of schooling.
Where will I go? Should I stay on the south coast?
Most People cannot wait until they leave this place and hardly look back.
Sometimes I feel that way too but I've had the best years of my life down here,
at scho even.
My thoughts are centred around the when's, what's, where's and why's.
On another note, exams are in a few days and I'm prepared for all of my
subjects but math and English, which are my worse. Freaking terrible I know.
The stress is only just beginning to kick in.
Sometimes I think that there must be something wrong with me for not
thinking about this sooner. To prioritize my subjects from hardest to easiest.
I have problems with prioritizing and organising school work most time.
On another note I am excited for my dad to get home :) he will come with procrastination
devises!! All three available seasons of Skins :):)
and my sister will be arriving tomorrow lunch time for the weekend... Again. Soon
she will move back down, I can see it coming.
I have to meet her at the bus stop, which means no school for me tomorrow. Studying math!
The future is never set in stone.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Monday, March 15, 2010
Time
Time flies by, whipping past your shoulder at an unidentifiable speed.
When alone in my bedroom I lie on my bed or sit at my computer desk and wonder what to do with myself.
Every minute that passes by, every second that ticks, is a proportion of time we have been given.
I cannot get my head around the fact that Term One of 2010 has almost concluded. As I think, I remember all the memories I have had this year, the exhilarating memories, the happy, the sad, the tearful, the scared, the adrenaline, the weird and, in rare cases, the normal memories.
I can remember, as if it were yesterday:
Christmas where I met my two youngest cousins for the first time.
New Years Eve spent with close friends.
The first day of school this year. Rachael and I turning up late and in front of the entire senior years.
Doing a Maccas run at 4am in the morning, sneaking out with Jess.
And yesterday (literally); stalking suspecting P plate cars with Maddy, Rach and Jess.
Six months seems like quite a long time. But I’ve realised something. That’s all I have left of schooling. I never realised either that this term would go by quite as fast as it has been.
In the next six months I would be done with school, preparing for my HSC, probably buying my Year 12 formal dress and yet, still would be sitting in this very room from time to time, wondering about time.
You never appreciate what you had, until you have lost it.
A couple of weeks ago I wrote an email to myself which will be sent to me on my eighteenth birthday. The website is www.futureme.org I think.
From this site you can write an email, select a future date, and send it to yourself which you shall receive on that selected date (just as long as you have the same email address... which I think I should have in seven months still).
I spend two hours (with breaks) typing everything that I felt into that letter, even writing down some questions about myself asking my future self how I handled the HSC.
This idea may seem incredibly stupid or weird to you, but I’m extremely excited to read it again. I have already forgotten a few of the many things I expressed in that email. In a couple of months I hope to completely forget I wrote the email (or at least forget the majority of the content) so that on the day I am considered an ‘adult’ I will receive that I perceive to be a 10 page letter. No doubt I will check my emails as I do every day.
If you are reading this, I suggest writing an email to your future self. You can set it for years down the track, any date you wish. If you feel like venting and even if you do in this blog but need something more personal, write it to yourself.
It worked for me.
Do not let time get the better of you. Grasp onto those memories as tight as a baby would with a toy.
When alone in my bedroom I lie on my bed or sit at my computer desk and wonder what to do with myself.
Every minute that passes by, every second that ticks, is a proportion of time we have been given.
I cannot get my head around the fact that Term One of 2010 has almost concluded. As I think, I remember all the memories I have had this year, the exhilarating memories, the happy, the sad, the tearful, the scared, the adrenaline, the weird and, in rare cases, the normal memories.
I can remember, as if it were yesterday:
Christmas where I met my two youngest cousins for the first time.
New Years Eve spent with close friends.
The first day of school this year. Rachael and I turning up late and in front of the entire senior years.
Doing a Maccas run at 4am in the morning, sneaking out with Jess.
And yesterday (literally); stalking suspecting P plate cars with Maddy, Rach and Jess.
Six months seems like quite a long time. But I’ve realised something. That’s all I have left of schooling. I never realised either that this term would go by quite as fast as it has been.
In the next six months I would be done with school, preparing for my HSC, probably buying my Year 12 formal dress and yet, still would be sitting in this very room from time to time, wondering about time.
You never appreciate what you had, until you have lost it.
A couple of weeks ago I wrote an email to myself which will be sent to me on my eighteenth birthday. The website is www.futureme.org I think.
From this site you can write an email, select a future date, and send it to yourself which you shall receive on that selected date (just as long as you have the same email address... which I think I should have in seven months still).
I spend two hours (with breaks) typing everything that I felt into that letter, even writing down some questions about myself asking my future self how I handled the HSC.
This idea may seem incredibly stupid or weird to you, but I’m extremely excited to read it again. I have already forgotten a few of the many things I expressed in that email. In a couple of months I hope to completely forget I wrote the email (or at least forget the majority of the content) so that on the day I am considered an ‘adult’ I will receive that I perceive to be a 10 page letter. No doubt I will check my emails as I do every day.
If you are reading this, I suggest writing an email to your future self. You can set it for years down the track, any date you wish. If you feel like venting and even if you do in this blog but need something more personal, write it to yourself.
It worked for me.
Do not let time get the better of you. Grasp onto those memories as tight as a baby would with a toy.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Everything?
Does anyone know EVERYTHING about you?
I can honestly say that no one knows every single little detail about me. By ‘every detail’ I don’t mean what colour my shoelaces; that kind of detail.
I’m talking about the personal details.
No one takes the time to find out details, no matter how insignificant, about their best friends anymore.
Nor, sometimes, do those friends take the time to answer those questions one may ask them.
I don’t bother anymore. No one delves deep enough in my life to find out anything.
I’ve only ever really trusted two people. One now hates me for some stupid reason which seems to make sense to her. I have no decided she is not worth all the tears over.
The other is still there, though not as often.
I do not know if I can completely trust again. Although, it’s not like I have people lining up to find out.
One day I think I may possibly break down during class. I’ve almost done that twice this week.
Though that was mainly to do with my issue with my former best friend. I think she fails to see my suffering and pain, and only sees hers, not to be selfish or a bitch or anything. My blog, my opinion.
On a more positive note. School photos were today. I loved the Year 12 Muck Up one.
Monday, March 8, 2010
I can't
You know what... I can't do this anymore.
The tears, the pain, the stress, the workload, the suffering.
What is it all for?
I don't seem be getting anything out of it.
Spending day in day out like this.
I wish most things were different.
I don't like this situation at the moment.
I don't like school at the moment.
I don't like myself at the moment.
I need someone to really notice.
I need someone unbiased.
I need someone to sit there for hours in person and let me talk outloud and receive comfort.
Why can't I just let go?
Why can't I put my head down and study/do homework more?
I'm considering leaving and never coming back.
Things can't possibly get any worse.
If you're getting sick of my blogs.. don't read them.
I use them as a way to let out things.
The tears, the pain, the stress, the workload, the suffering.
What is it all for?
I don't seem be getting anything out of it.
Spending day in day out like this.
I wish most things were different.
I don't like this situation at the moment.
I don't like school at the moment.
I don't like myself at the moment.
I need someone to really notice.
I need someone unbiased.
I need someone to sit there for hours in person and let me talk outloud and receive comfort.
Why can't I just let go?
Why can't I put my head down and study/do homework more?
I'm considering leaving and never coming back.
Things can't possibly get any worse.
If you're getting sick of my blogs.. don't read them.
I use them as a way to let out things.
Friday, March 5, 2010
Mistake
A Mistake can be defined as a misunderstanding/an error/carelessness.
It does not matter how big or small a mistake is, it changes things, more often than not, in a negative way.
One mistake can cause someone to fall over.
One mistake can cause a couple to break up.
One mistake can cause someone to fail an exam.
One mistake can cause someone to die.
One mistake can cause someone to be born.
One mistake can cause a friendship to be lost.
However, I do not think the human race could function without mistakes. It just seems to be a regular part of people’s lives.
A few minor mistakes made recently by myself and another person has resulted in a lost friendship which I doubt will be reconnected any time soon.
One careless mistake made on my behalf before I knew the truth, and one deliberate(?) mistake made by the other person has caused this.
I refuse to apologise.
My last two page apology letter resulted in being told to ef off and that the person never wishes to see me again after this year has ended.
Five months ago I never thought this would happen.
Five months ago we were sitting around planning to move in together after we finish High School. Now I do not even know where she plans to head after school has finished.
It is not my turn to apologise.
That person needs to apologise for what she has said and how she has been acting lately.
It does not help that we have the same friends, and sit together during breaks at school.
I am sick of the looks I am receiving. Not necessarily glares as much as blank , expressionless looks.
Whenever I begin to contribute to a conversation involving her, the person stops talking, stands there for a minute, and then proceeds to walk off to another one of our many shared friends.
What an amazing way to spend the last year of school. Constantly trying ot ignore each other.
One day I know that that person will realise what they have lost.
Me.
I will not wait around forever; for her to forgive me. Why should I have to be forgiven?
Mistakes made on behalf of us both and I’m the one that was in the wrong?
I did not know the truth when I had made my mistake.
The person did.
Therefore I will not wait around for her.
I’m trying so hard to forget but it’s impossible when that person is constantly in your face.
I’m worried that whenever the group plans to do activities outside of school, one of us will have to be left out.
But I do not think that the both of us can even act polite. Therefore how are we, as a group, meant to hang out together? Have fun? Do the ‘legal’ things we do?
I’m afraid that we’ve put our friends in a terrible position regarding the both of us.
I am terribly sorry for that.
It does not matter how big or small a mistake is, it changes things, more often than not, in a negative way.
One mistake can cause someone to fall over.
One mistake can cause a couple to break up.
One mistake can cause someone to fail an exam.
One mistake can cause someone to die.
One mistake can cause someone to be born.
One mistake can cause a friendship to be lost.
However, I do not think the human race could function without mistakes. It just seems to be a regular part of people’s lives.
A few minor mistakes made recently by myself and another person has resulted in a lost friendship which I doubt will be reconnected any time soon.
One careless mistake made on my behalf before I knew the truth, and one deliberate(?) mistake made by the other person has caused this.
I refuse to apologise.
My last two page apology letter resulted in being told to ef off and that the person never wishes to see me again after this year has ended.
Five months ago I never thought this would happen.
Five months ago we were sitting around planning to move in together after we finish High School. Now I do not even know where she plans to head after school has finished.
It is not my turn to apologise.
That person needs to apologise for what she has said and how she has been acting lately.
It does not help that we have the same friends, and sit together during breaks at school.
I am sick of the looks I am receiving. Not necessarily glares as much as blank , expressionless looks.
Whenever I begin to contribute to a conversation involving her, the person stops talking, stands there for a minute, and then proceeds to walk off to another one of our many shared friends.
What an amazing way to spend the last year of school. Constantly trying ot ignore each other.
One day I know that that person will realise what they have lost.
Me.
I will not wait around forever; for her to forgive me. Why should I have to be forgiven?
Mistakes made on behalf of us both and I’m the one that was in the wrong?
I did not know the truth when I had made my mistake.
The person did.
Therefore I will not wait around for her.
I’m trying so hard to forget but it’s impossible when that person is constantly in your face.
I’m worried that whenever the group plans to do activities outside of school, one of us will have to be left out.
But I do not think that the both of us can even act polite. Therefore how are we, as a group, meant to hang out together? Have fun? Do the ‘legal’ things we do?
I’m afraid that we’ve put our friends in a terrible position regarding the both of us.
I am terribly sorry for that.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
8 Day Challenge
I’ve been thinking lately that I eat an immense load of junk and fatty foods. I have made a challenge to myself to completely cut myself off from them, and asked my friend, Nick, how long he reckons I can last.
He thinks a week.
So now we have come up with a challenge that will take me from Wednesday the 3rd of March until Thursday the 11th March, ridding myself of unnecessary junk and fatty foods.
If I last that long I will be epically proud of myself, as will others I hope.
And after that week I hope to moderate my intake.
This week is going to be hard.
I’m planning an Easter Egg hunt for my lovely friends tomorrow at lunch and I cannot eat the eggs. I bought them. But I plan to save a couple to eat next Friday :)
Anita.
He thinks a week.
So now we have come up with a challenge that will take me from Wednesday the 3rd of March until Thursday the 11th March, ridding myself of unnecessary junk and fatty foods.
If I last that long I will be epically proud of myself, as will others I hope.
And after that week I hope to moderate my intake.
This week is going to be hard.
I’m planning an Easter Egg hunt for my lovely friends tomorrow at lunch and I cannot eat the eggs. I bought them. But I plan to save a couple to eat next Friday :)
Anita.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Procrastination
I just read over my last blog and found it to be highly pathetic. I was not in a very good place when I wrote that. But I’ve decided to leave it up there because hardly anyone will read it and it will serve as a reminder as to what was running through my head at 1am in the morning a few days ago.... although it is mildly embarrassing. I think I sounded like some whiney person now that I read over it.
Have you ever read over something and asked yourself why you wrote it? Like going through your outbox in your phone or emails? I’ve done that a few times also with reading past MSN conversations.
I just don’t seem to think much of how I sound when I’m busy typing like a lunatic. I type extremely fast when I’m angry/upset/in a hurry. Which can also cause some typos which I never bother to go back and fix up... because that would take more time.
So my past three blogs have shown a depressing side of me.
But I’m trying to get there and distracting myself seems to work fairly well.
It’s not like anyone reads this anyway. I have my one and only trusty follower, my Celery Stick. Hi Jess.
At the moment I’m procrastinating a ton of homework. I’ve been neglecting my blog for the past few days. I was told by a friend to relax and take it easy so I spent the weekend doing absolutely nothing productive. I didn’t touch my homework once. I curled up in bed for the majority of the two days on my iPod and reading.
Although both days I did get dressed and that. I didn’t spend all the time in my pyjamas (:
Today has been extremely cold. And although these Year 12 Jumpers look amazing, the white sleeves tend to get dirty sooo easy that it’s unbelievable.
Two seconds in order to get dirty
Five days in order to get it clean.
My Nan does not trust my father in cleaning my jumper so she takes it back to her house and cleans it thoroughly and by hand then has to wait for it to dry by itself. Thus the five days.
Exams are coming up in three weeks.
Why is it that I cannot think of anything relatively happy to say?
Today I managed to work out that the reason why I have not been understanding some things right in Maths is due to my calculator being retarded. Well... that and i did not realise I had to put the power in brackets. I’ve never realised that I had to before.
Thanks to Mary for showing me the right way... during Religion.
I’m looking forward to the holidays. Hopefully I get to spend quite a fair bit of it doing things that I will hopefully not forget.
I need to create as many happy memories as possible this year. So far I think the happy and bad memories are weighing almost equal at the moment with everything that has happened.
Now I just hope I pass Math during the half yearlys and then the balance would weigh more towards being happy.
I love the cold weather.
Oh I just realised. School Photos next Wednesday. It’s during the summer uniform this time so apparently no ties. I guess that means you cannot wear tights as well.
I don’t know how I’m going to manage. I do not like wearing socks with the skirt. I do not feel comfortable. It’s ridiculous but it is how I feel.
I’m just going to come to school in tights but pack a pair of socks in case they ask me to wear the stupid socks. I wonder if I even have a matching pair seeing as it has been over since I wore socks with the uniform.
I need more winter clothes.
It is officially the beginning of Autumn and the weather reflects that.
My, this blog has gone off into different tangents.
Best do homework. I aim to complete some English, math and religion tonight and it’s already 7:18pm. Oh yay.
Anita.
Have you ever read over something and asked yourself why you wrote it? Like going through your outbox in your phone or emails? I’ve done that a few times also with reading past MSN conversations.
I just don’t seem to think much of how I sound when I’m busy typing like a lunatic. I type extremely fast when I’m angry/upset/in a hurry. Which can also cause some typos which I never bother to go back and fix up... because that would take more time.
So my past three blogs have shown a depressing side of me.
But I’m trying to get there and distracting myself seems to work fairly well.
It’s not like anyone reads this anyway. I have my one and only trusty follower, my Celery Stick. Hi Jess.
At the moment I’m procrastinating a ton of homework. I’ve been neglecting my blog for the past few days. I was told by a friend to relax and take it easy so I spent the weekend doing absolutely nothing productive. I didn’t touch my homework once. I curled up in bed for the majority of the two days on my iPod and reading.
Although both days I did get dressed and that. I didn’t spend all the time in my pyjamas (:
Today has been extremely cold. And although these Year 12 Jumpers look amazing, the white sleeves tend to get dirty sooo easy that it’s unbelievable.
Two seconds in order to get dirty
Five days in order to get it clean.
My Nan does not trust my father in cleaning my jumper so she takes it back to her house and cleans it thoroughly and by hand then has to wait for it to dry by itself. Thus the five days.
Exams are coming up in three weeks.
Why is it that I cannot think of anything relatively happy to say?
Today I managed to work out that the reason why I have not been understanding some things right in Maths is due to my calculator being retarded. Well... that and i did not realise I had to put the power in brackets. I’ve never realised that I had to before.
Thanks to Mary for showing me the right way... during Religion.
I’m looking forward to the holidays. Hopefully I get to spend quite a fair bit of it doing things that I will hopefully not forget.
I need to create as many happy memories as possible this year. So far I think the happy and bad memories are weighing almost equal at the moment with everything that has happened.
Now I just hope I pass Math during the half yearlys and then the balance would weigh more towards being happy.
I love the cold weather.
Oh I just realised. School Photos next Wednesday. It’s during the summer uniform this time so apparently no ties. I guess that means you cannot wear tights as well.
I don’t know how I’m going to manage. I do not like wearing socks with the skirt. I do not feel comfortable. It’s ridiculous but it is how I feel.
I’m just going to come to school in tights but pack a pair of socks in case they ask me to wear the stupid socks. I wonder if I even have a matching pair seeing as it has been over since I wore socks with the uniform.
I need more winter clothes.
It is officially the beginning of Autumn and the weather reflects that.
My, this blog has gone off into different tangents.
Best do homework. I aim to complete some English, math and religion tonight and it’s already 7:18pm. Oh yay.
Anita.
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